40-ish: 49

Adventurer: Slept with all your friends

Athletic: No breasts

Average: looking Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful: Pathological liar

Contagious Smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated: Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure: Medicated

Feminist: Fat ballbuster

Free Spirit: Junkie

Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun: Annoying

Gentle: Comatose

Good Listener: Borderline Autistic

New-Age: All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded: Desperate

Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate: Sloppy drunk

Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional: Certified Bitch

Redhead: Bad dye-job

Reubenesque: Grossly Fat

Romantic: Looks better by candle light

Social: Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray

Voluptuous: Very Fat

Weight proportion w/ height: Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide

Wants Soulmate: Stalker

Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart: Old bat

MEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated: Will patronize you all the time

Free Spirit: Banging! your sister

Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking: Arrogant

Very good looking: Dumb as a board

Honest: Pathological Liar

Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy

Mature: Older than your father

Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive: Gay

Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts